1. I don’t have money: If your parents never used this line on you when you ask for money then you are either adopted or really adopted. I bet parents use this line not neccessarily when they are broke (no parent would want to admit he/she can’t provide for their children). I believe parents use this line on thier children so as not to give them the impression that money is always available. When a child has the idea that his parents would readily provide, then their needs become insatiable.
2. Beans will make you taller: Parents and this knack for deceiving their children in a bid to get them to eat protein. Our parents (assuming you are Nigerian) were always like “Eat beans if you want to be tall” and “finish your vegetables, if you don’t want to be sick”. According to a friend, she eat beans so much that she thought she was going to grow up tall as promised by mummy only for her to end up short. Instead of short Nigerian parents marrying taller spouses, they would marry their height-mate, give birth to short children and stuff them with beans hoping a miracle would happen. Keep deceiving yourselves..lol
3. Get education and a good job will be waiting for you: Nigerian parents and school!! Jesus! Go to school, go to school. “Dad what if I want to start a business like you”. “Go to school my son and afterwards, a good job will be waiting for you”. Today, the story is quite distastefully different, our youths finish school, serve their country and no jobs are waiting for them. Our parents lied.
4. Your father didn’t see my pant till the wedding night: When Naija mums be counseling their daughters on sex education, they always come up with the “we (her and her husband) were celibate till marriage” or “he married me a virgin” crap. I wonder, maybe he never saw her pant because she never wore one to his house. Maybe.
5. I never lied to my own parents: Nigerian parents never lied in their whole lives. It’s the same parent that would tell you to tell Uncle Chimezie knocking at the gate that he is not around. Ahhhhhhh. Lie lie.
6. You can carry first in class: My dad picks up my report card with me standing right in front on him, hands crossed behind my back. He orders for his glasses and my
efiko brilliant sister without the fear of God..lol rushes into his room to fetch it. “Daddy this is your glasses”, she replies while handing them to him. He wears them, now seeing very clearly, looks at my report card. I am in front of him sweating and shaking. He doesn’t utter a single word as the scorn on his face is clearly visible. “You took second in class again for the 3rd term in a row” he begins. “You are the first born of this family and you keep taking second place in class, and the worst part is that you are taking second place to a girl”. “Does she have two heads? You can carry first in class”. In my mind, I was bitter and almost asked him why he doesn’t have as much money as his mates, they too don’t have two heads..lol. If I had asked that question, I am not sure I would not have been alive to type this post..lol. But needless to say that Nigerian parents will always compare you to your mates and tell you that you can carry first even when the children in your class literally have smoke coming out of their heads.
7. I know this behavior is not from me or your father: Whenever Nigerian parents are scolding their children together, none wants to take responsibility for the child’s behavior. So if I don’t behave like you or daddy, was I adopted by richer parents? Say that and die..lol
8. I don’t talk when my parents are talking: “Come here, come here, you think you are a big boy now eeeeh. When I was your age, I was already living on my own. Even at that, I never talked back at my parents”, my dad would say. Only for me to hear from an Uncle that he comfronted his own father on several occassions. Although according to my Uncle, this confrontations left him with a bruised face more times than not, this information would have given me an edge if it came when it was really needed; over ten years ago..lol
9. I took first in my class: When Nigerian parents aren’t satisfied with their children’s grades, in a bid to instill confidence in their kids, most of them would boast of spectacular grades while in school themselves. The question every Naija child would love to ask is, if all parents had good grades, whose parents carried first from the back?
10. I will kill you and nothing will happen: If you have never been threatened with homicide by your parents then you were really a good child while growing up. My mum has threatened to kill us and give birth to other children to replace us when we misbehaved. Even as a child, the thought of death at the hands of my strict mum would put you in order, no matter the level of craze you possess.
NOTE: I really did carry second in class at one time in my life. Although we were only 4 in the class. Second na second. Mind your business. *wink*