After downing his fourth bottle of Orijin, Wale said in his almost drunken state “my brothers, finding a good wife material in this country seems to be getting more difficult with each passing year. It almost seems technology/makeup has in its wake, eroded the wife material virtues in our ladies.”.
Ikechukwu who had two University girls sitting on his lap at the bar agreed adding “see eeeh, girlfriend material is readily available but wife material is scarce. Even the get-a-wife-in-church mantra has almost died down because our churches are occupied by girls who dance Shoki or Sekem in the club with skimpy clothes on Fridays and shout Halleluyah with covered hair in church on Sundays. I think I have to go to the village to get a wife because…..”
Chuks who was already getting worked up with the whole wife material topic when all he wanted to talk about was how soon he would get some clean runs girls to bed that night interjected Ikechukwu saying “village? you want to get wife material in the village? You don’t even know anything this man. Times have changed so drastically that getting a wife in the village is as outdated as posting letters at the post-office. The only materials you can find in the village are materials to sew clothes and househelp materials. Our village girls nowadays seem to be competing with each other on who would get pregnant first. Let me tell you, it is easier to find crude oil in your village than to find a good girl educated enough and well brought up to marry. My brothers, seems going abroad is the only option now.”
Wale added “Yes o, abroad is the way forward o. Our girls nowadays can’t even cook. They spend more time on their beds pinging away their lives than they do in the kitchen. They have more time for physical grooming (makeup, human hair etc) than they have for mental or even spiritual advancement. Even the beautiful manageable ones are busy sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry that can buy them a phone”
Ikechukwu interrupted proceedings by asking for the whereabout of the celebrant. “Where Yaw sef. Person wey dey celebrate promotion for office. The guy dey try o. Married for over 5 years now and still working his ass off at the office. Big ups to him. Where is he?”
Yaw being the only married man in the group was outside conversing with his wife on phone when the whole “wife material” drama was unfolding. He got back inside just in time before a search party was about being organized to look for him. “Guy were you dey since na?”, Chuks asked. “Abeg, I go follow my wife talk, make una no vex. So what did I miss?” Yaw replied.
“Na the unavailability of wife material in this country we dey discuss o” added Wale. Yaw smiled, drank his already getting warm bottle of STAR Lager beer and began the talk that would end up changing the lives of Ikechukwu, Chuks and Wale.
He commenced by asking them all a question.
“How many weddings did you guys attend last year?” Yaw asked.
Wale: “Well, its not like I am keeping count but I am sure I attended over 10 weddings”
Ikechukwu: “How does that have to do with the availability of wife materials na?”
Chuks: “Seven or eight”
Yaw continued “Good. So that shows that contrary to your views that good wife materials are not available, so many young ladies got married in 2014. You guys are here busy “sampling” babes and dumping them for flimsy excuses especially you Ikechukwu and in front of your
koro koro eyes, these same girls get married to more serious guys. You all have to man up and stop making excuses for your unseriousness. You guys are past 30 years and still here popping champagne, changing cars, acquiring the latest phones, sagging pants and showing your swags while wasting time waiting for a blend of Mother Theresa and Beyonce as wife material. It is high time, you select one out of the babes you have almost wrecked and groom as a wife before you run out of best-men for your wedding. Trust me on this, we don’t have good “wife material” problems in Nigeria, we have inexperienced, unserious and irresponsible “husband materials” issues.
Yaw finished his “gospel message” and sipped his bottle of STAR while his bewildered friends looked down, probably hoping for the ground to open up and swallow them. This life.
Short play adapted from this picture on Yaw’s Instagram page